The Phases of the Moon

The day after I injured my back in August 2015, I somewhat reluctantly (and painstakingly) dragged myself out of bed in Whistler to participate in day 2 of my pre-paid festival events. I was nervous about how I would feel having to watch from the sidelines knowing myself as someone who feels absolutely deflated as a forced spectator (so much so that I couldn't even support my own ringette team this entire last season because every time I thought about watching them play I was overcome by sadness). I was in incredible pain and barely able to move, but I knew I would feel better outside in the sunshine and surrounding myself with the positive vibes of the community rather than being all alone in my hotel room watching terrible reality TV. As soon as I showed up at my first session, I was delighted to find out that it wasn't what I was expecting at all, but rather a discussion (woo hoo no moving!) about the Lunar Cycle and how it relates to our lives. Some might call this fate or merely a coincidence, but all I know is that is what exactly what I needed in my time of crisis - to be included.

We talked about the different phases of the moon and how in takes one month to move through all the all of them. Learning about the lunar cycle at that time also provided me a powerful metaphor for life that I would like to share with you here. This last year has been particularly difficult for me due to the challenges associated with my back injury. Outside of my personal stuff, I felt I needed to write this because I have been witness to so many of my friends who are also struggling in their lives right now. "Successful", talented, ambitious people, who have so much richness in their lives are being overcome with despair and hopelessness. The theme seems to be that we are realizing that the lives we imagined we would have when we were children aren't turning out as we had thought. Even though we know we should feel grateful and happy for all the blessings we have, we feel guilty because we can't shake feelings of inadequacy and sadness. Some of my friends even chose suicide recently to deal with their troubles. This is serious stuff and will certainly take more than keeping a Gratitude Journal (although I do recommend it) and some self-help books.

I have a confession to make - in January at my lowest, darkest point in my healing journey, I stared into the abyss and considered leaving this world as well. For those who have never been to that edge this may sound scary and troubling to you but I speak openly about it now so you know it's OK to think those thoughts. I'm OK now. My path this last year has also lead me to others who have experienced similar challenges and it was when we would talk freely about these moments of pure weakness to each other that made me feel the most united with them. One moment stands out for me: I was introduced to a stranger while I was score keeping at on of my old teams' ringette games. She had also had a herniated disc and went through all the same pains and fears (and eventually the surgery I'm still waiting for). But in between all the other facts and memories she so seamlessly mentioned "those days you think stepping out in front of a moving bus isn't such a bad idea" and it was the first time in my life I nodded in complete understanding just as I would have if someone had just told me how great they feel after going for a run. You're probably thinking something like "wow, that girl needs a counselor" or "she should be on anti-depressants". I know, because those are the reactions I received from the people I was closest to.  I certainly appreciated the concern from my family and friends... indeed, it was their love and support that saved me. I am forever grateful for my brother who showed up at just the right time, my boyfriend who stayed by my side through it all, and for my friends who reminded me I wasn't alone. But even then I knew what I really needed was patience, hugs (so many hugs!) and self-love... not drugs. For some of you, medication might be exactly what you need, but it's an individual decision you have to decide for yourself and not something that should be forced on you by others.

Now back to the discussion about the moon. In our little group, sitting on dew-covered grass, we talked about how in our present society we typically focus on the full moon - those times in our lives that we shine brightly, when we are at our peak of performance or our pinnacle of youth. These are the moments we celebrate and strive for. Media is full of young, healthy, vibrant people. So many of us spend a lot of time, money and effort searching for the fountain of youth, getting the next promotion at work or achieving our idea of "success" in life. And then when we accomplish our big goals we invite all our friends over to enjoy a meal with us under a "congrats" banner and colourful balloons. What we typically forget about is all the time spent practicing, learning and failing leading up to our full moon... or the "OK what next?" that happens afterwards.We can't be a full moon forever, and we're not meant to be, so why is it the only time we appreciate?

At my darkest time I felt no hope for my future and certainly saw no moon in my sky. But it was in this time when I did the most learning and growing. It was was when I needed to have the most courage and dig deeply for my inner strength. I had to be vulnerable to others and let them see me on my knees (and at times they literally had to pick me up off the floor). We need to acknowledge and honour these struggles because it is in these moments when we develop our self-awareness and our compassion. The moon at this phase is called a New moon. The think the name is fitting as it is like a re-birth. I certainly felt like I was starting from the beginning... learning how to move again, learning new daily routines to support my recovery, and learning how to think positively when faced with a situation I used to be able to do but couldn't do then.

If you are going through a difficult time right now... if you are feeling despair, hopelessness and helplessness... remember that this phase too shall pass. Your moon will wax once more and become full again, I promise you. I didn't think it would either, but somehow it did. Conversely, don't try to hold on to that full moon either because it will eventually wane one day as the cycle continues. Falling is part of getting better. Honour your struggles as much as your successes, and let go of your need to shine brightly all the time. And, if you need someone to celebrate that you are entering into your waning gibbous moon phase, you know where to find me (I think it would be fun to have a banner with the word gibbous on it).

The good, the bad and the ugly things about Answers

'The worst moments in life are heralded by small observations' (p. 225) The Martian by Andy Weir

Last night as I was about to head out to a Field Leader Course (or more accurately - a distraction I enrolled in to help me feel like I am moving forward in life), and got a text message from an unknown number, "Are u able to come in for your mri now?". I did have a moment of hesitation filled with frustration that the only productive 3 hours of my week were now in jeopardy... but of course finding answers to healing my body trumps all else in my life. (Side note: it is true what the Greats say... having clarity around your goal makes being able to say "no" to anything that deflects you from achieving it much easier). Getting the MRI so fast (a couple weeks after getting my doctor to refer me) is miraculous in itself... and the only answer I have to that is that I have angels watching over me. If you know me, you know I'm not religious in a traditional sense, so angels are what I'm going to call the infinite love that exists in the universe... I could have had to wait much, much longer, but somehow I am one of the lucky few who had the stars align. Being inside the MRI machine is an experience in itself, one that I can only describe as oddly relaxing, as you are forced to calm your mind and body for half and hour or more. Perhaps my previous mediation practices were meant to prepare me for that moment (I naturally find it incredibly challenging to be in stillness, however I now realize it is an important skill).

Of course, the MRI technician isn't allowed to make any formal observations... but together we looked at the images and could tell something was incredibly wrong... I could see my L5-S1 disc was oozing out into the rest of my body. Not really what anyone wants to see, but also what I had suspected from the beginning. The last half a year have been challenging to say the least, as I was pushed around by doctors and physios and chiros and laypeople into thinking it was a strained SI, tight muscles, a bulging disc (getting closer), pelvic rotation and muscle imbalance, arthritis causing nerve compression where nothing can be done and just "deal with the pain"... I now have an answer! The good news is the fear of uncertainty is no longer crippling, the bad news is surgery is the most likely option and also the one thing everyone said is "not an option at your age", "must be prevented at all cost", and "will only cause more damage and problems later in life". The ugly part is now I have to wait some more before the results get to my doctor, who happens to be the same one who told me nothing was wrong with my and just keep taking anti-inflammatories for the pain... forever (Ok, I might have added the 'forever' part). To say I'm angry, that I was showing many signs of a herniated disc (for 6 months on Feb 1) and I had to fight just to get an MRI referral, is an understatement. I guess it's true with everything in life though... some times people are just plain wrong, and no matter what anyone else says you have to listen to yourself, be persistent, and believe there is a way. And sometimes those angels help you out when you need it the most.

I'm reading The Martian by Andy Weir right now. When I first picked it up I had just finished reading Chris Hadfields' An Astronauts Guide to Life on Earth. I thought it was strange and a little silly I happened to pick up two space books at Chapters at the same time without realizing it. Chris Hadfield wrote an amazing book that I highly recommend. One part of his book that resonated with me was when he talked about having a medical scare that almost prevented him from going into space. He talked about how the "Canadian way" of just trusting that the system will work and that the best outcome will be realized isn't always the right mindset to have. Chris talked about how you sometimes have to take it into your own hands, educate yourself, keep digging and digging, and fighting for answers. It was his persistence and tenacity (along with the support and help of his family) to convince the powers above that he was fit for space. If he just sat back knowing that he would be fine and hoping NASA would see it the same way, he would have been turned away because people are afraid of risk and even the highest paid professionals are biased with the lens they see the world. It was in this moment I was inspired to fight back and make things happen rather than merely praying that my doctor will know best. Thank you, Chris.

Now back to The Martian... the first few sentences really spoke to me - "I'm pretty much fucked. That's my considered opinion. Fucked." I found it a little profound how Andy knew the thoughts in my head, word for word, when I first injured my back 6 months ago. It's been a long road getting to where I am now. I'm about 2/3 of the way through the book now, and it's interesting to note that in the book Whatney (the protagonist who is alone on Mars) and I are kind of paralleled in our own personal fights for survival. We've both had moments where we feel hopeless, but also are quick to get back to figuring out how to keep going. Set backs and new hope... then more set backs. His resourcefulness and positive attitude keep him alive. At this point in the book Whatney is getting ready to take his final trip, a big risk, a last ditch effort, all cards on the table kinda move. I feel like I have also been faced with a similar fate - that of the risk of surgery as my only option for survival. It will be a long road of patience and healing, and the fear of more uncertainty (of the surgery itself and of future complications). But I guess that's the beautiful thing about answers... once you have it, the only choices you need to make are to take that path, honour the struggle, and make the most of it.

A New Beginning

It's been years since I've posted on this blog and lots has changed (as it should)! What's interesting though, is that I find myself in a similar place that I was in 4 years ago: I re-injured my SI (sacroiliac) joint, was laid off and am currently unemployed, and am making ends meet by living in my parents basement at 31 years old. Although life is different and I have had so many more experiences that have shaped my perspectives on the world, like a spiral, I have been brought back to the beginning - a new beginning.


Allow me explain the reason I bring up spirals. 10 years ago I traveled to Australia on a spontaneous trip in search of adventure and fun. The 5 quick weeks I spent exploring the beautiful country didn't disappoint. I still look back on that experience with awe. It was a crash course in life full of amazing people from all over the world, broken down vehicles in the middle of the outback, learning to sleep in a loud hostel room with 10 others, sailing, 4x4ing, dingos, beaches, greyhound buses and kangaroos. About halfway through I found myself at Hervey Bay, and small town in the east coast. I'm not one who wears much jewelry, but I walked into a little store on the beach and found a spiral necklace made into the image of a medusa or jellyfish. The tag on it said that medusa's symbolize "bravery".  I didn't really get the connection then, but now that I think about spirals and where life has brought me, I have a new theory about it: life is like a spiral... we try to move forward along our path towards our dreams or goals, but life has a way of bringing us back to a place where we might have missed the lesson along the way. We are never truly in the same place because we have grown, but we are given another opportunity. It's in these moments when we feel like we've taken two steps back, or lost everything we have been working for, that we need to be brave. We need to have the courage to accept our best, and forgive the rest. We need to determine whether we're 'here' because we need to go outside of our comfort zone and do something different so we can go somewhere different, or whether it's a test of perseverance.

Perseverance is a word that gets thrown around a lot, but many of us don't really understand what it means. A couple years ago, I was presenting at the Manitoba Physical Education Teachers Association (MPETA) conference in Winnipeg as the representative of Action Schools! BC (where I used to be a Regional Trainer and the Physical Activity/Education Specialist prior to funding cuts and lay offs last March). One of the highlights of the trip for me was listening to Tim Hague Sr speak. Tim was the season one winner of The Amazing Race Canada. What made this win so special is that Tim has Parkinson's Disease and was a true underdog in the competition. Tim shared much wisdom and inspiration, but what resonated with me the most was when he defined 'perseverance'.

Perseverance: To continue on your path, even in the face of difficulties, with little or no evidence of success.

What a powerful concept. It reminds me of a plant that spends the winter unseen under the soil. When the winds are blowing and snow if falling, there seems to be no life. But the seed was spending that time growing roots and building a strong foundation, for when the sun comes in the spring it can sprout. And that's when we see it and appreciate it. Often, if we're not seeing progress we think nothing is happening and give up. One of the most difficult lessons I'm trying to learn in life is that the most important ways to grow are the ones you don't see, for without doing the hard work on the foundation we will never get to enjoy the fruit.

I decided to start writing again mostly for myself during a difficult winter season in my life. We all know how beneficial it is to journal, to get your thoughts out, find clarity and track progress. If my journey can help one other person struggling through similar circumstances, then it's worth it to me to be brave and share my experiences on here instead of keeping my insights and failures as secrets in my personal journal. I have to admit, the thought of the world having access to my thoughts (and less than professional writing ability!) during the ups and downs of rehabilitating a challenging back injury and finding a new career path, is scary. But sometimes we need to do what scares us, push the edges of our comfort zone and take a leap of faith. That's why I'm not going to over-think my posts, worry about grammar, flow and relevance, and just write. Maybe together we can create a community of support where we share our knowledge for the benefit of all... maybe we can create an online church of wellness.

The power of the Mindbody

We hear the words "mind" and "body" together quite often, sometimes along with "spirit". From my experiences practicing martial arts and yoga throughout the years, the concept of the connection to the mind and body are referred to regularly. The best cues I've ever received to help me perform a physical task are accompanied with a visual. In the case of board breaking, being told to "have the intention to strike a point beyond the board" allowed me to follow through instead of stopping at the board itself. In yoga, the cue to physically "lift the corners of your mouth" while holding a plank, actually makes it easier, and not only that, but the act of smiling makes you happy to be shaking with muscular exhaustion! Try it!

The connection between mind and body is especially evident to me when thinking about depression. A couple of the main symptoms of depression are "lack of motivation" (mind) and lethargy (body), and can be caused by emotional trauma (mind) or chronic illness (body). Regardless of how you become depressed, you will experience both physical and mental symptoms. And what is the best medicine for depression? Laughter of course.

I'm currently reading Dr Gabor Mate's book called When the Body Says No. Dr Mate is a world renowned medical doctor and author, and has spent much of his career working with addictions and in palliative care. In his book he speaks about the connection between stress and illness. I think we can all agree from personal experience that these do in fact go hand in hand (my initial thought is when you get sick the day after final exams finish).

He uses the term "psychoneuroimmunology" and mindbody to describe the connection between the brain and the immune system and speaks of the repressed emotions and tragic childhoods many of his patients with serious immune diseases have in common. The first chapter of this book is available to read for free on his website: www.drgabormate.com.

I do believe in the power of the mind and the body and the importance of honouring one to help the other. Life and sport coaches have been utilizing the power of the mind for physical performance for a long time. Focusing on what you're grateful for, visualizing your successes before they happen, looking towards the end goal in order to motivate for the present. We use mindbody all the time. I think it's essential to acknowledge the power of the mind over the body and the body over the mind when taking care of yourself or others. Making time to do the things you love, finding healthy outlets of negative emotions, and surrounding yourself with positive influences and love, can actually have a direct affect on your physical health.

‎"The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go." Dr. Seuss

Stretching Do's and Don'ts 2.0

Stretching is a largely misunderstood term. People stretch for different reasons whether it's too rehab your body, prepare for exercise, relax, gain flexibility, or just because they enjoy it. There are also many different forms of stretching, some that are safe and effective, and others that are dangerous and outdated. Regardless of your reasons for wanting to stretch, stretching can be a really healthy activity if you are doing is correctly. In my previous stretching post Stretching Do's and Don'ts I talked about the difference between Dynamic stretching and Static stretching and how they are currently being utilized in athletes. Let's do a little refresher on that:

Dynamic stretching is when you move your body through a comfortable range of motion to help warm up the muscles, lubricate the joints, and awaken neuromuscular connections (get your brain involved). This is not to be confused with Ballistic stretching which is an archaic means of stretching were you swing your limbs past the point of comfort with the intention of increasing flexibility. Ballistic stretching is dangerous and ineffective. Dynamic stretching also won't increase flexibility.

Here, Nina demonstrates a popular dynamic stretch for warming up the lower body with focus on the hip flexor and hamstrings. This stretch is useful for many activities, especially those that include running, skating, climbing, and swimming.

Use a wall or a partner for support while you gently swing your leg forward and back 10 times. Switch legs and repeat. You can also turn to face the wall and swing your leg side to side to warm up your outside hip and groin.

Hamstring Stretch

Static Stretching is the most common type of stretching. You will find this style of stretching in many yoga classes, on sports teams, and prescribed by physiotherapists and kinesiologists. It is when you hold a position for about 30 seconds without bouncing or pulsing. The idea is to move your body to a place where you feel a gentle stretch and hold it there until the muscle(s) relax slightly. If you stretch daily after exercise you will notice increased flexibility in that muscle over time, and decreased
muscle soreness.

Hip Flexor Stretch

If you are stretching as a part of injury rehab or prevention, READ THIS next paragraph:

There is growing evidence to support that the most optimal way to static stretch is to hold the stretch, just at the point where you feel a gentle tension in the muscle but no sharp pain, for 30-60 seconds, rest, then repeat 5-10 times. By holding the stretch any longer or deeper (as in some types of yoga) you may overstretch your muscle which puts your joint at risk and may damage your ligaments, or it may actually cause the muscle to try to protect itself from overstretching by contracting and tearing.


Stretching should be an enjoyable experience and a part of everyone's exercise routine. Relaxing and breathing should be a big part of it. Having modest flexibility helps to keep your joints healthy by lubricating them and feeding them nutrients. As you age you will have less muscle injury and a lower incidence of arthritis. Stretching the muscles helps to flush out waste products from exercise and decrease muscle soreness. Technically you can just move your body into a place where you feel a stretch for it to work, but it is important to be aware of body mechanics to stretch safely. The body likes to move in specific directions so keep those in mind as you stretch, or you can take the guesswork out of it and have a professional teach you tried and true safe stretches. And be aware that having too much flexibility is not a good thing either.

If you want to know how to safely stretch a particular muscle or group of muscles please feel free to comment on this post or contact me directly.

Fun with Slacklining

If you've never heard of a slackline before, you're not alone. Slacklining originated with rock climbers and has since become a sport of its own. A slackline is basically a 4 inch wide line tightened between two trees. It is like a wide tightrope but can have some incredible applications. You can simply stand on it or walk on it. Or, when you get really good, you can start to incorporate crazy balance poses, or even bounce on it like a trampoline adding in flips and tricks.

Greg shows us how to get on the slackline in Penticton, BC.

Some people have even taken it to the extreme and created High-lining. This is when the slackline is strung up across a gorge or river high above the ground. It takes a high level of understanding in order set this up safely (I'm certainly no where near this). Most people will use a safety tether but there are some who will walk across with no protection at all.  Some of my favrouite youtube.com videos include appearences by "Sketchy" Andy and Dean Potter.

Tips to get you started:
1) Getting on - I have found that the best way to get on a slackline as a beginner is to stand next to it with one foot on the slackline. Make sure this foot isn't weighted or you will find that it will shake uncontrollably! Hop up off the your other foot on the ground and reach your arms up high. Keep your knee slightly bent and your upper body tall. Also, look forwards, not downwards (I find looking at where the end of the slackline meets the tree works best for me). Make sure you breath and maintain a postitive attitude.

2) Staying on - I promise that you will be shaking in the beginning. This is normal. Don't get frustrated. Try to balance on one foot for 5 seconds. If the line is shaking a lot, you can also try to make a T with your feet, bringing your heels together to settle the line. After you feel balanced, take a step forward onto your other foot and try balancing on that one.

3) Walking - Once you have gotten comfortable balancing on one foot at a time, you can eventually start to quicken the time between each foot and before you know it you'll be walking.

I'm looking pretty shakey here. Notice my right arm is down. I would have been more successful by keeping both arms overhead and making small adjustments for balance.

Even something as simple as walking on a slackline will take a long time so keep up the positive self talk and enjoy the journey. Other basic moves you can do are: walking backwards, turning 180 degrees, jumping on the slack to mount, tree pose, and sitting on it.

What is the meaning of life?

This is a picture of my friend Bianca and me heading out to climb in Red Rocks, Nevada, a couple years ago. She is currently on an amazing personal adventure in Europe and sent this picture back. The message is so profound yet so simple, and answers that big question I sure we've all asked ourselves at one time or another: "what is the meaning of life?"

I've attempted a good ole fashioned "soul search" on many an occasion. Sometimes there is an "aha!" moment when the world becomes translucent and in that instant it all makes beautiful, inspirational sense. As I've grown up and formed more and more opinions about people and the universe, those "aha!" moments became more and more elusive. Perhaps this is a part of being an adult and losing the magic that kids seem to see so easily. It is when you grow up and realize that Santa and the Easter Bunny don't exist, and that you're not going to be an astronaut or a superhero in your lifetime. It is when you accept that your journey of life is going to be a similar, more modest (due to current economic states and housing prices), version that your parents had.

It can be depressing to think about it. If you've ever let yourself believe that what you are doing now in life is the best it's going to get, then you're sabotaging what it could be. I've been struggling with my self-talk in absurd amounts recently as I'm still battling the problems in my pelvis and back, and the uncertainty of my (hopefully) future career. I can honestly testify that having and injury or an illness that prevents you from seeing hope in doing the things you love to do, that bring you joy and inspiration, and lift you up when you fall down, is the hardest obstacle to overcome. I crave running through a shady forest on a hot, sunny day, climbing a mountain to see the view, dancing without limitations in my room to loud music, and playing a game of catch on an empty field. I can't do any of these right now and it brings me to my knees. I feel trapped in a prison and only half living.

But I'm not the only one with problems, and feeling lousy really sucks. Focusing on the negative of what I can't do is turning me into someone I loath to be with, but unfortunately I am stuck with me. Back when I was 17 years old, I was pretty sure I had "found" myself and knew who I was. I seem to remember thinking I was smart and strong and capable. Now at 27 years old I realize that those traits don't really belong to us, they are merely what we want to be. And the fears and limitations we put on ourselves determine whether or not we possess those qualities we desire. If you want to be strong, choose to be strong. If you want to be smart, choose to be smart and take the appropriate actions towards it. All the obstacles in your way a week, a month, a year down the road looks impossible now. So take it one day at a time. Focus on what you can do today to move forward and be proud you're not standing still. Most importantly, have faith you can do it.

"Fear knocked at the door.

Faith answered.

No one was there."

-Unknown

My old martial arts instructor had a saying: "whatever you can conceive and believe, you can achieve." The hardest part is believing. Because I can't do the things I love to do now, the logical step is try to love the things I can do. I looked back into my memory banks and realized that there were in fact, many things that I thought about trying but gave the backseat to. Maybe it's time to let those ideas drive for a while. A change of scenery is never a bad thing, right? Maybe I'll learn a new language or a new instrument. Maybe I'll learn new cooking skills or start a book club. Maybe I'll do all of those things and more. Most importantly I am going to learn about my injury and devote my time and energy every day to take steps toward bettering my health. If you're thinking, "hey, I'm in a similar situation and would like to start moving forward, I just don't know where to go or how to get there", then I'll be your point you in the right direction:

Step 1. Gather resources (family, doctor, friends, google...).
Step 2. Make an Action Plan (set simple, measurable, achievable goals).
Step 3. Determine what obstacle lie in your way and brainstorm ways to overcome them (remember your resources).
Step 4. Wow, you've already taken 3 steps forward! Keep on walking and creating possibilities.

"Today, be more brilliant than anticipated, more courageous than expected, and more human than is commonly seen."

- Robin Sharma

Remember, life is about creating yourself.The only limitations are the ones we place on ourselves. And even though life brings many challenges, every hurdle in your way is in opportunity to create something powerful to jump over it. Never, ever give up. And never forget how powerful the tools of imagination and perseverance are. As children we naturally used those tools all the time. Can you believe that you ever learned how to walk or talk or tie your shoe laces? Those were mega accomplishments back then. It might be time we learn from the children we were and keep dreaming big. Maybe I'll never be an astronaut, but I heard somewhere that it's OK to dream big and fall short. This is because if you aim for the moon and don't quite make it, you'll still land among the stars, and that's pretty rad too.