'The worst moments in life are heralded by small observations' (p. 225) The Martian by Andy Weir
Last night as I was about to head out to a Field Leader Course (or more accurately - a distraction I enrolled in to help me feel like I am moving forward in life), and got a text message from an unknown number, "Are u able to come in for your mri now?". I did have a moment of hesitation filled with frustration that the only productive 3 hours of my week were now in jeopardy... but of course finding answers to healing my body trumps all else in my life. (Side note: it is true what the Greats say... having clarity around your goal makes being able to say "no" to anything that deflects you from achieving it much easier). Getting the MRI so fast (a couple weeks after getting my doctor to refer me) is miraculous in itself... and the only answer I have to that is that I have angels watching over me. If you know me, you know I'm not religious in a traditional sense, so angels are what I'm going to call the infinite love that exists in the universe... I could have had to wait much, much longer, but somehow I am one of the lucky few who had the stars align. Being inside the MRI machine is an experience in itself, one that I can only describe as oddly relaxing, as you are forced to calm your mind and body for half and hour or more. Perhaps my previous mediation practices were meant to prepare me for that moment (I naturally find it incredibly challenging to be in stillness, however I now realize it is an important skill).
Of course, the MRI technician isn't allowed to make any formal observations... but together we looked at the images and could tell something was incredibly wrong... I could see my L5-S1 disc was oozing out into the rest of my body. Not really what anyone wants to see, but also what I had suspected from the beginning. The last half a year have been challenging to say the least, as I was pushed around by doctors and physios and chiros and laypeople into thinking it was a strained SI, tight muscles, a bulging disc (getting closer), pelvic rotation and muscle imbalance, arthritis causing nerve compression where nothing can be done and just "deal with the pain"... I now have an answer! The good news is the fear of uncertainty is no longer crippling, the bad news is surgery is the most likely option and also the one thing everyone said is "not an option at your age", "must be prevented at all cost", and "will only cause more damage and problems later in life". The ugly part is now I have to wait some more before the results get to my doctor, who happens to be the same one who told me nothing was wrong with my and just keep taking anti-inflammatories for the pain... forever (Ok, I might have added the 'forever' part). To say I'm angry, that I was showing many signs of a herniated disc (for 6 months on Feb 1) and I had to fight just to get an MRI referral, is an understatement. I guess it's true with everything in life though... some times people are just plain wrong, and no matter what anyone else says you have to listen to yourself, be persistent, and believe there is a way. And sometimes those angels help you out when you need it the most.
I'm reading The Martian by Andy Weir right now. When I first picked it up I had just finished reading Chris Hadfields' An Astronauts Guide to Life on Earth. I thought it was strange and a little silly I happened to pick up two space books at Chapters at the same time without realizing it. Chris Hadfield wrote an amazing book that I highly recommend. One part of his book that resonated with me was when he talked about having a medical scare that almost prevented him from going into space. He talked about how the "Canadian way" of just trusting that the system will work and that the best outcome will be realized isn't always the right mindset to have. Chris talked about how you sometimes have to take it into your own hands, educate yourself, keep digging and digging, and fighting for answers. It was his persistence and tenacity (along with the support and help of his family) to convince the powers above that he was fit for space. If he just sat back knowing that he would be fine and hoping NASA would see it the same way, he would have been turned away because people are afraid of risk and even the highest paid professionals are biased with the lens they see the world. It was in this moment I was inspired to fight back and make things happen rather than merely praying that my doctor will know best. Thank you, Chris.
Now back to The Martian... the first few sentences really spoke to me - "I'm pretty much fucked. That's my considered opinion. Fucked." I found it a little profound how Andy knew the thoughts in my head, word for word, when I first injured my back 6 months ago. It's been a long road getting to where I am now. I'm about 2/3 of the way through the book now, and it's interesting to note that in the book Whatney (the protagonist who is alone on Mars) and I are kind of paralleled in our own personal fights for survival. We've both had moments where we feel hopeless, but also are quick to get back to figuring out how to keep going. Set backs and new hope... then more set backs. His resourcefulness and positive attitude keep him alive. At this point in the book Whatney is getting ready to take his final trip, a big risk, a last ditch effort, all cards on the table kinda move. I feel like I have also been faced with a similar fate - that of the risk of surgery as my only option for survival. It will be a long road of patience and healing, and the fear of more uncertainty (of the surgery itself and of future complications). But I guess that's the beautiful thing about answers... once you have it, the only choices you need to make are to take that path, honour the struggle, and make the most of it.
