We talked about the different phases of the moon and how in takes one month to move through all the all of them. Learning about the lunar cycle at that time also provided me a powerful metaphor for life that I would like to share with you here. This last year has been particularly difficult for me due to the challenges associated with my back injury. Outside of my personal stuff, I felt I needed to write this because I have been witness to so many of my friends who are also struggling in their lives right now. "Successful", talented, ambitious people, who have so much richness in their lives are being overcome with despair and hopelessness. The theme seems to be that we are realizing that the lives we imagined we would have when we were children aren't turning out as we had thought. Even though we know we should feel grateful and happy for all the blessings we have, we feel guilty because we can't shake feelings of inadequacy and sadness. Some of my friends even chose suicide recently to deal with their troubles. This is serious stuff and will certainly take more than keeping a Gratitude Journal (although I do recommend it) and some self-help books.
I have a confession to make - in January at my lowest, darkest point in my healing journey, I stared into the abyss and considered leaving this world as well. For those who have never been to that edge this may sound scary and troubling to you but I speak openly about it now so you know it's OK to think those thoughts. I'm OK now. My path this last year has also lead me to others who have experienced similar challenges and it was when we would talk freely about these moments of pure weakness to each other that made me feel the most united with them. One moment stands out for me: I was introduced to a stranger while I was score keeping at on of my old teams' ringette games. She had also had a herniated disc and went through all the same pains and fears (and eventually the surgery I'm still waiting for). But in between all the other facts and memories she so seamlessly mentioned "those days you think stepping out in front of a moving bus isn't such a bad idea" and it was the first time in my life I nodded in complete understanding just as I would have if someone had just told me how great they feel after going for a run. You're probably thinking something like "wow, that girl needs a counselor" or "she should be on anti-depressants". I know, because those are the reactions I received from the people I was closest to. I certainly appreciated the concern from my family and friends... indeed, it was their love and support that saved me. I am forever grateful for my brother who showed up at just the right time, my boyfriend who stayed by my side through it all, and for my friends who reminded me I wasn't alone. But even then I knew what I really needed was patience, hugs (so many hugs!) and self-love... not drugs. For some of you, medication might be exactly what you need, but it's an individual decision you have to decide for yourself and not something that should be forced on you by others.
Now back to the discussion about the moon. In our little group, sitting on dew-covered grass, we talked about how in our present society we typically focus on the full moon - those times in our lives that we shine brightly, when we are at our peak of performance or our pinnacle of youth. These are the moments we celebrate and strive for. Media is full of young, healthy, vibrant people. So many of us spend a lot of time, money and effort searching for the fountain of youth, getting the next promotion at work or achieving our idea of "success" in life. And then when we accomplish our big goals we invite all our friends over to enjoy a meal with us under a "congrats" banner and colourful balloons. What we typically forget about is all the time spent practicing, learning and failing leading up to our full moon... or the "OK what next?" that happens afterwards.We can't be a full moon forever, and we're not meant to be, so why is it the only time we appreciate?
At my darkest time I felt no hope for my future and certainly saw no moon in my sky. But it was in this time when I did the most learning and growing. It was was when I needed to have the most courage and dig deeply for my inner strength. I had to be vulnerable to others and let them see me on my knees (and at times they literally had to pick me up off the floor). We need to acknowledge and honour these struggles because it is in these moments when we develop our self-awareness and our compassion. The moon at this phase is called a New moon. The think the name is fitting as it is like a re-birth. I certainly felt like I was starting from the beginning... learning how to move again, learning new daily routines to support my recovery, and learning how to think positively when faced with a situation I used to be able to do but couldn't do then.
If you are going through a difficult time right now... if you are feeling despair, hopelessness and helplessness... remember that this phase too shall pass. Your moon will wax once more and become full again, I promise you. I didn't think it would either, but somehow it did. Conversely, don't try to hold on to that full moon either because it will eventually wane one day as the cycle continues. Falling is part of getting better. Honour your struggles as much as your successes, and let go of your need to shine brightly all the time. And, if you need someone to celebrate that you are entering into your waning gibbous moon phase, you know where to find me (I think it would be fun to have a banner with the word gibbous on it).
